i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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