Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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