Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
