oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
