Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
