i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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