he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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