Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
