i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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