i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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