I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
