It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
