allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
