There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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