i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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