There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
