someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
