my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
