Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
