dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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