Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
