I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
