Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
