She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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