I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We left the knife in your bed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
