peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
