I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
