Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
