she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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