Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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