If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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