Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
