Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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