I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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