I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
