I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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