im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
