In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
