Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
