The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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