hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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