I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
