I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
