I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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