I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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