The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
