i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
