Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am mentally ready for anal.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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