okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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