it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
