HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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