i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
