Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
