I will die if light touches me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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