meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she woke up with a sticky ear
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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