I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this beer tastes like vomit already
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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