those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
